I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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