she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
