you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
