thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
