i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize