my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize
