Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
what day is it and did you see me today?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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