That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
