Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
