I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
