Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I checked into jail on foursquare
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
