My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
