I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
