Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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