I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
