It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
