drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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