I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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