I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
