we have pet lesbian snakes
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
