If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
