im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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