gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
