worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
