they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
