I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
