Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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