Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
