The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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