This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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