Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
