So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
And then he peed in my hair
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