I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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