sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
