U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm both gender and math confused
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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