I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
