never play flip cup with pint glasses
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
