The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize