He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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