I am in a vortex of obligation.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
