I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
