Well douche your snatch and let's go!
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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