i think i have two assholes
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
