oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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