Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
