Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
