Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
