Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
