just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
