i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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