Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
