I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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