Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
