Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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