I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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