Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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