Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
