Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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