I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize