You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
